By Jasmine Deloatch
Special To The Carolinian
An Analysis—Either you're in the dating pool, you’ve heard the horrors of the dating pool, or you’ve run away from the dating pool. Regardless of your stance, I’m sure that we can agree, whether you are a woman or a man, that feelings are controlling our dating world. Could this be the result of daters having different needs? Historically, dating has been seen as a necessity to both men and women. Men would marry for companionship, homecooked meals, a bearer of children, and a caregiver, while women would marry for protection and to be provided for.
In current day America, we have social media for companionship. Most people go to sleep scrolling with their phone in hand, versus a person on their arm. We have doordash and meal preps that are available to buy. There are cleaning services that are affordable to the middle class. Women are learning to shoot guns and enroll in self defense classes and women are climbing the corporate ladder and many are able to provide and protect their own homes.
Where does that leave them in the dating world? Every need is met, besides emotion. Women and men had to consider foundational things in the past and were less focused on how the person made them feel, but more focused on the purpose of the relationship and building a family. Today’s dating world is full of feelings. And those feelings turn into behaviors that fill in for what is needed most, communication.
So, how do these emotions translate to the dating world? I surveyed three single women, Koren, Raven and Tenea from Virginia, who shared that when they have shown attentiveness to their dates, they noticed happiness among their dates. Raven noticed happier facial expressions and also added that they openly express their gratitude. Tenea shared that men will show happiness by making themselves available to her and showering her with gifts. Koren also added that she noticed men display happiness during deep conversations with them. We can assume here that these men felt comfortable expressing happiness and that attention and good conversation is what made their dates the happiest.
Tenea reported noticing sadness from her dates when they were not able to live up to the expectations that were set or when they were not receiving attention. She said that they will withdraw or disappear. Raven said that she notices that guys that she’s dated will vocalize when she does not pay attention to them and they begin to express sadness. Eric, a male dater in Virginia shared that he noticed that women that he’s dated are happy when they are treated the way they prefer to be treated. This ties back to the willingness of modern daters to express what makes them happy.
It’s safe to say that we can conclude that there’s no lack of communication in the happiness department. People will express what makes them happy and express when they are not happy. But will they communicate outside of how their partner makes them feel? Do modern daters discuss how they feel about hardships at work, family relationships, being a parent, the car that cut them off on the road or insecurities that they may have? Or do these emotions just turn into distance and cold shoulders? Do we only communicate to our partner intimately when the situation involves them?
Raven reported her dates showing signs of anger when being asked questions such as “what are you doing” or “who are you talking to.” She shared that although it may be assumed that those questions are being asked as a result of trust issues, in reality she is really just curious about their day. She shared that when she expresses a point of view that differs from her date, she notices that they become cold or distant. “Maybe I’ve just dated men who aren’t open and believe it’s their way or the highway, but I’m not that person. So if I have a different take, I will tell them,” Raven said.
On the other side of dating, Eric, shared that he noticed heightened emotions of anger, sadness or worry in women that he’s dated if they feel that he’s being sneaky or acting differently towards them. He said they would question him or say nothing at all and mirror his actions, becoming distant and withdrawn. This is interesting because we tend to see a lot of modern relationships end due to how the couple felt, versus ending because of an irreconcilable difference like not agreeing on family plans, where to live, how to raise their children, religion or difference of belief systems.
BetterHelp reported that 47% of adults in the U.S. have stress related to their love life. Tune in next week to read a mental health professional’s opinion on this.
